Jak II Nature Remix
by Loki-CannibalofSocks
Summary: Meet Loki; the SwedishGerman Ninja, and Applecrisp; the gay bishi of goaty doom as they adventure into Haven City and cause absolute, horrible, unstoppable chaos. Much Krew bashing, molestation of Jak, and deflowering of Vin. You have been warned.
1. Prologue and Chapter 1

Jak II – Nature Remix

Authored by Loki an' Applecrisp (feed us cheezits and we will worship you for 5 minutes)

Okay peoples, time fer disclaimer time; we own nothings! Mahah! Except for our charas, plots, and so forth; we are measly language students who speak German .o Fear usss

And, now, we present the grammar/punctuation deficient ficlet of dooom

Prologue

A ripple of relief shot through the dull classroom as the lunch bell shrieked in all its holy glory. 16-year-old Loki Lindemann immediately pounced from her desk and bolted out the half open door, breezing past security guards and fellow students, looking like nothing more than a blonde-headed blur.

            On the other side of the hall, a similar story was taking place, 17-year-old Shannon "Applecrisp" Mullerleile was racing past any bodies that came in his way. 

            Quite abruptly the two collided smack in front of an open science room both collapsing with an, "Ach!" 

Shannon slowly began to sit up, brushing away long strands of auburn hair, "Meine Brille…" he muttered patting the around the area, "MEINE BRILLE [1]!

            Loki quietly raised a shattered pair of shattered Emo-styled glasses into Shannon's hands, her imploring emerald eyes reflecting his own ceruleans shrouded in distress.

"Eh…Es tut mir Leid [2], Applecrisp."

"Ja..."

It had happened many times before.

Loki helped guide the half-blind German exchange student into the empty class room, setting him down in a chair. Immediately Shannon began to rummage for his Spam hidden in the depths in his backpack.

"You and your spam." Loki mumbled under her breath as she set up her PS2, turning it on, and inserting a Jak II disc.

The menu loaded faster than it should have…and it looked…_quite_ different…it was…alive?

The screen pulsed and warped, tendrils of light snaking about Loki's arms.

"What the Fuck?"

Applecrisp raised his head just in time to be sucked into the screen – Spam & all.

Chapter 1

Jak had just escaped from the Baron's prison with help from Daxter. He was just about to talk to a decrepit, crusty old man with a scruffy, mangy kid, when two solid objects crashed through the air.

            It all happened in a blur, a Krimzon guard tanker full of a shipment of Dark Eco was hit by a humanoid object, veering it off course and sending it into a wall.

            Jak shrugged and continued his angry stalk towards the old fart.

            Loki screamed in fear of becoming a liquid once she hit the ground as she fell. A moment of clarity pierced through her panic, she glanced about for Shannon. She cringed as he hit the flank of a huge tanker and rolled pathetically to the ground. A devious, selfish thought hatched in her mind. To save her self from liquification, Loki used Applecrisp to break her fall.

            Then the tanker hit the wall, and a dark ooze covered Applecrisp and Loki, saturating them in its dark ooziness.

"Ach…" muttered Applecrisp.

He stood up, knocking something lightweight off his back. 

"Loki? Vhere...are you?" Applecrisp shouted.

"Ugnhh..." Loki said through a mouthful of dirt.

"I…zee...you...not…" Applecrisp cried, "I zee nozing..."

"Meh." Loki drew herself up, "Whoa…Crispy, when did you get tall – very tall…and…Goaty?!"

Loki looked down for a moment, and realized she was 2 feet above the ground, the situation very much akin to when Daxter found out his situation after being bathed in Dark Eco.

            Jak was about to "talk" to the old man when he heard a shriek.

"Hey...'nother Ottsel!" Daxter yelled and scampered over to investigate things.

            Jak lost interest ancient, daisy like man and stared at the goatish being standing in a confused state next to the Ottsels.

Applecrisp stared back in the general direction of Jak's piercing gaze, sensing the look prodding at him.

And then he felt a …draft.

He immediately crouched down into the fetal position to hid himself, blank white eyes wide and cheeks crimson in embarrassment. His stretched torso hunched over his elongated arms and legs that ended in lethal ebon hooves. Scruffs of flesh-toned fur sprouted from his ankles and wrists, a huge, fox like tail waving behind him. His ears were that of a horse, and two horns curved gently along the slope of his scalp. His shoulder-length hair faded from auburn to gold, framing a face no longer completely human. Instead of his boyish freckles he once had, he had delicate orange tattoos on his body, thin and graceful like a feline.

"…What was THAT?" Applecrisp thought. He moved away from a thick, syrupy liquid clinging to his hind hooves, shivering as he did so… "Loki? ...Hilfe mich..."

He was _terrified_.

Loki halted her screeching to dash over to Applecrisp.

"Eh…Es...ist...Okay...uh…Du bist…ein…goat-dude." Loki said, combining English and Applecrisp's native tongue together.

Jak struggled to find something to say to the odd pair, but the Goat-Dude and the blonde Ottsel astounded him.

Loki glanced around, and she saw a pretty – no gorgeous – man with green/blonde and a blue tunic that matched his eyes. 

"Hey, bub, howyadoin?" Loki chirped as she scuttled towards Jak.

            "Uh…" Jak choked out.

            Kor saw a herd of Krimzon Guards and stumbled over to the 4…people staring, or in some cases oogling, at each other.

"Krimzon Guards are coooominggg" Kor creaked out as a warning.

Jak's anger bubbled up again, and he yelled in Kor's nasty wrinkly face, "WHO ARE YOU?! WHERE AM I?! RAWR."

" I am – " Kor was cut off by Loki who said with sarcasm dripping off her voice like a saliva from a predator's jowls as it eyes it's prey, waiting for the right moment to pounce, "Ya ya, you're Kor, kill the guards and we see The Shadow-guy, something about walls and prisons. Did you know you look like a demented daisy?"

            Once again, every one stared at the Ottsel, except for Applecrisp, who merely gazed vaguely her way, seeing he was a blind goat.

            "Well…yes…" replied Kor in disbelief.

The guards, pissed off from waiting, pounced. Jak fought them, Loki drooled when Jak released his darker powers, and Applecrisp gnawed on a spurt of grass.

After the violence spree, Jak asked the question that lingered on every one's minds, "Who the hell are you?" 

[1] Meine Brille, German fer my glasses

[2] Es tut mir Leid, I'm sorry (literal trans. It causes me PAIN)


	2. Chapter 2

The fic of something n' other (AKA, Jak II)

Authored by the Mischievous Loki Who Desires To Be Pope and Applecrisp the Goat Dude Who Whines About Vin

Disclaimer: We dun own anything, even if we did…well…there really is no reason to sue seeing we have...nothing…You might get a penny or a chocolate Euro, seeing how poor we are. Wanna know a true fact? I itch. And I haven't slept all night (Loki)

A.N: The…uh...meeting w/ Torn is messed up, but we wrote that part after we beat the game...so…all ya fanatics….don't eat us…Alaskan and Minnesotan meat does not taste good.

Chapter 2

Jak slowly approached Torn's desk in a dramatic, evil fashion, their broody eyes meeting and…some…vile electricity running through each of their minds…the air was still…dark.

            "AHHH! I want _this_ bunk!!"

The heavy atmosphere was shattered pitifully as Loki leaped happily onto the one of the four bunk beds and rubbed herself all over it. Applecrisp, now clad in some retarded excuse for a skirt, stumbled through the hideout opening and crashed down to the foot of the stairs, landing on his goaty face.

Jak and Torn stared, mouths agape, at the two bumble idiots, while…still managing to be macho and having one of their slender eyebrows perfectly arched. 

            Loki halted her tirade and pointed a furry finger at Torn, "Jeremiah!" [1]

Applecrisp raised his head and smiled, "Year…meyah…vaz…ae…bullfrog!"

Loki snickered, "Jeremiah was a bullfrog!"

Jak noticed Torn's eye …twitching…unhappily…and walked over to Loki, "Hey will ya keep it- AH!"

Jak cried out in distress as the Ottsel latched onto his face in attempts to pull him onto the bed … Applecrisp was startled by the scream and started into a gallop, slamming into Torn and knocking him them both flat on the ground. Jak was trying to pry Loki off of him and backed into the man pile, sending them all into grumbles of displeasure.

"Hey will you keep the orgy private, will ya?" Daxter joked as they untangled themselves.

Torn spit in disgust and pulled Jak to the side to discuss things, leaving Loki and sitting dazed on the floor.

After the "discussion", Jak turned towards Loki & Applecrisp, "I'm going on a mission."

"Well ain't he manly." Loki muttered under her breath.

As Jak and Dax walked out, Loki leaped up onto the table and waltzed over to Torn.

"Hey, babe, Crispy and I need clothing."

"You can find clothing yourselves." Torn said in a deep grumpy voice that sounded somewhat pouty.

"Damn babe, cut back on the cigarettes." Loki said somewhat snidely.

"Get out of here."

"Fine, Fine. C'mon Crispy." Loki grabbed Applecrisp's hoof hair and dragged him out onto the street.

They wandered around lazily looking for a clothing store. When they reached the city check points, Loki stole some civvie's pass.

Eventually, they got to the bazaar, they found a small square, and low to the ground building that had a neon sign with a skull that read "ONIN'S".

Loki tugged at Crispy's loin-cloth monstrosity and yelled upwards, "Maybe we should try this place!"

Applecrisp struggle with the English but got the idea, striding into the hut, hooves feeling for the walls.

"Who're you? ARRRK"

A strange cross between a monkey and a parrot was staring Applecrisp straight in one of his blank ivory eyes, sneering. 

Loki answered for her bewildered friend, "I am God, Satan, and Buddha and this is my buddy, Jesus."

Pecker gave her a strange look and Loki grinned. 

Off in the corner, an old woman with eyes similar to Applecrisp's sat waving her arms about like a moron and spewing out sparkly blue stuff. 

"No, Onin, it's not evil, it's blind…or dumb…" Pecker squawked, prodding at Applecrisp's nose with a feather. "But the _other_ one…"

Loki put her hands on her hips, "What about me?"

Pecker smiled perversely and licked his lips, right before getting slammed into a wall. 

"Thanks Applecrisp." Loki chirped in gratitude.

"Ja, Ja…" Applecrisp said with a little, four-fanged, sharp-toothed giggle.

Loki let out a sigh, walking over to Onin, "Hey you got any idea where we can get some threads?" she inquired, eyeing the groaning Pecker in the corner suspiciously.

:"Ehn" he mumbles, attempting to interpret Onin's wavey-sign-yness, " She says…Yeess, you are friends of the boy Jak, whom I see while using  my mysticy powers…I shall lend you a car so you can drive to the clothing store near the Yakow field…And other crap like that."

"Alright! Let's drive!" Loki yelled.

She led Applecrisp to the car located outside and he clambered in the driver's seat.

"Okay…push lightly on the gas…" said Loki as she read the instructions.

Applecrisp floored it…in reverse.

Onin's little hut crumbled down, leaving only her and her pet sitting in the centre of the rubbage.

"Los! Los!" Loki shrieked, sending the car hurtling right over Onin's head, sweeping off her purple bandana, which Loki nicely stole.

Applecrisp managed to crash 19 more times before the zoomer blew up.

…So they walked.

Loki was having a great time pick pocketing the civilians that passed by and by the time they got to Armando's Supah Shop, they were pretty damn rich.

Tada! Clothing!

Applecrisp was spifftastic, wearing earth colours and fancy materials, a crimson band over his sightless eyes.

That didn't stop him from going on all fours in the Yakow field and eating the grass, though.

Loki sunbathed for awhile, trying not to notice the fact, even though as an Ottsel, she had 2 furry lumps on her chest.

They continued that for 20 minutes, before Loki got the ingenious idea to try that thing called driving again. However, this time, Loki persuaded Applecrisp to let her drive.

It turned out that Loki was worse than the blind Applecrisp. She hit 10 civvies, 17 hover vehicles, 2 Yakows, and the walls 20 times. Loki's grand finale of her driving skills was she collided into another car at full speed causing a crash that took out at least 9 other cars.

Jak got up from under his toasted vehicle. Daxter, as usual, was complaining about Jak's driving skills.

"Ugnhh…" Loki moaned and slowly crept out of the debris.

"Applecrisp?" she half-heartedly yelled out.

"Was? Mein…head...hurtz…"groaned Crispy.

"You." Jak spat out and dashed toward where Loki and Crispy were bumbling about. 

"Ya, what about us?" Loki bitched.

"What the hell did you do?"

"Hit you apparently………Hey, do you have any food?"

"…No…"

"Oh…Bleh…"

"I need to get back to Torn. You guys better come with."

[1] You see… We know this guy, Jeremiah Edward Linquist, who is exactly like Torn, same facial expression, attitude, use of growly voice. Only difference is that Jeremiah is tall, cannot write correctly, blonde, has pimples, and uses a pen to attack you, not a curvy knife.


	3. Enter the Drunk Loki and the Meeting of ...

Jak II Nature Remix

Loki n' Applecrisp wrote this, and shamelessly inserted them selves into the story line.

We own not the story, we do however, own Applecrisp and Loki, steal them and you'll get a duo of pissy Nordic people on your asses.

Ack! Sorry! Loki's been busy and hasn't typed up the fic from the mass of papers that it currently the physical form of the fic.

Chapter 3

At the hideout, Torn briefed the quadruplet on what they were to do next: deliver Eco ore to Krew.

The four walked outside, bickering over who should drive. Every one said they themselves should drive…However, Jak won this bicker by relapsing into a childish moment and dashing over to the zoomer and proclaiming, "I won!"

Grumbling, the rest clambered onto the zoomer; the Ottsels perched on Jak's shoulders and Applecrisp hunched over in the back.

Several times they were shot, and every time a bullet hit the already slowed down zoomer, Loki screeched out, "DON'T FUCKING HIT US!!" But, her demands were ignored.

Aren't the guards mean?

Eventually, they got to the Hip Hog Heaven Saloon. Upon entering, Applecrisp choked out, "I zink zat a rotting dead corzpe might be near…" and delicately raised a hoof to his nose.

"Making comment on my fragrance, eyyyyy?" Krew hissed as he swirled about.

"Ewww…It's a creepy fat Canadian." Loki whispered in Applecrisp's ear.

Applecrisp nodded in agreement, and raised another hoof to cover his nose as Jak consulted with the creature

Loki & Applecrisp were admiring the Metal head trophies on the wall, when Jak waltzed over triumphantly and proclaimed, "I'm going to go try out my new firepower. Stay here, will you?"

"Yeah, whatever." Loki said absent-mindedly.

Of course, right after Jak left the building, Loki turned about and asked, "Hey, where's Jak?"

 Applecrisp, in attempts to help, lifted a hind-hoof to check. Nothing…Oh well.

Loki amused herself with some arcade games and Applecrisp licked the floor near the entrance until they were both interrupted by a, "Hey fruit-pops, waitin' fo your lil' friend to comeback?"

Loki's face brightened, "Sig!"

Sig raised an eyebrow, "Am I _that _famous?"

Loki shrugged it off, "Nyar…I guess…-shifty eyes-"

Sig smiled, "You juice-pops want something to something to drink?"

- Three Hours Later -

Jak had been there for a while now, waiting for Sig to sober up, seeing that Sig and Loki where sitting on the counter singing obnoxiously while Applecrisp hung upside down on a ceiling rafter, whistling along and making a "baa-a-a-a" sound now and then.

What was the world coming to?

Sig eventually sobered up…slightly. 

And so, in severe boredom, Jak dragged Sig to the Pumping Station. As soon as they left, Loki began to harass Krew in her drunken stupor.

"Hey, tubby, c'm heeere sho I can doushe ya in booze to make you shmell bettah." Slurred Loki.

"What?!" Krew swirled around angrily.

"Ya…Duude…have you ever gotten laid? Or are you shmall? Or is it not accesshible." 

"What, eyyy?! You shouldn't be asking questions like that, hmmmmn?"

They bantered like that up till Jak & Sig returned from hunting.

Once back, Sig noticed something.

"Hey, you fruit-pops don't have weapons." He commented.

"Well…When your 10 pounds and don't even reach a full 2 feet, it's difficult to have and carry a weapon." Remarked Loki.

" Well, whatever. But Applejuice needs some thing." Sig murmured and began to rummage around for a weapon for Applecrisp.

What Applecrisp received was a black mithril spear that reached just a few inches below Applecrisp's 7'4 frame, the blade decorated with 3 gold Metalhead skull gems, giving the weapon accuracy and strength. The long handle was bound in blue leather and the blade itself was almost 4 feet across. It was magnificent!

Applecrisp struggled with the English, but managed a meek, "Zank du."

Krew gave an evil leer towards Loki and Applecrisp while talking to Jak, It didn't help Loki was making faces at Krew. 

Krew's anger reached a point where he spewed out: "GET OUT! That weasel is annoying, eyyy?"

Jak, Daxter, Loki, and Applecrisp all scurried outside.

"Let's go talk to Torn." Jak said in an evil tone.

At the Hideout, it was hell.

Torn attempted to tell the four their next mission which was to save Vin at the strip mine, but, as it was, there was total chaos.

Daxter and Loki were dancing on a picture of Erol that was brutally ripped from the wall, Applecrisp on the near the bunks in attempts to bond with the floor, and Jak, well…Jak was stuck behind Applecrisp and couldn't move for every time he did move, Applecrisp emitted large, scary, growly sounds from the back of his throat.

After a good ten minutes of this, Torn screamed out in all of his prissiness, " SHUT THE HELL UP!!"

Everybody stared at Torn, temporarily mute.

 "Now, GO TO THE MINE." Torn barked out, relishing the power.

The Strip Mine

            Jak had problems keeping Loki away from the pool of Dark Eco near the transporter.

"I waaaaaaaannna change BAAAAAACK" squealed Loki as Jak held her from the loose skin of her back.

            Daxter and Applcrisp had to the onslaught of Metalheads themselves while Jak wrestled with the rebellious Ottsel.

In 45 minutes, the metalheads in the areas were exterminated. Daxter enjoyed the scene that lay before him. Loki was clinging to a Metalheads Egg while Jak pulled on her hind legs and was threatening her.

            Irritated, Jak stopped and turned around and declared loudly, "We'll go rescue the old man, while you can be devoured by Metal Heads."

            Loki leaped off the egg, "VIN?! WE'RE GETTING VIN?!" and scampered off to the control room. 

As Jak attempted to follow Loki, Jak realized that this new Ottsel was constantly predicting their situations.

Jak's musings were distracted by the sounds of Vin shrieking bloody murder (Loki being attached to his leg).

This shrieking excited the ever doglike Applecrisp, who sped past Jak and leaped on the "enemy".

Vin WAS TERRIFIED OUT OF HIS MIND. How you feel is some huge, 7'4 goat-demon came at you full-speed, right after you just ran out of ammo from making feeble attempts to save yourself from a blood-thirsty, rabid machines? The fact that a crazed Ottsel was trying to crawl up you pant-leg wasn't much help either…

Jake shook his head and reassured the scared shitless man that the two were harmless creatures, and of course, Applecrisp started to lick Vin's face as a sign of "friendship". It'll seem normal once one you get over the fact that a  huge creature is sensually stroking your cheek-bone with a massive 20 pound hoof and whispering, "Du reichst so gut…"

Loki's muffled voice emitted from Vin's left thigh, "OH MY GURD, HE HAS GOLDFISH BOXERS! EEEEEEE!"

Jak tore Applecrisp off the feeble scientist and heaved  VIN to his feet, Loki plopping down onto to Vin's shoe. After Vin stopped hyperventilating, he and Jake talked amongst each other.

Loki constantly had to distract Applecrisp from molesting Vin by playing a game called, "Fetch the Daxter", a game where th objective was to get the blind to run himself off a cliff…

Thankfully for Applecrisp, this game was quickly annulled when they were all instructed to go through the portal. Vin attempted to stay away from those…freaks…

WHOOO

Anyhuu, Sorry for the wait and all, I, Loki da Cheezit, promises that the next chapter will be up by next Wednesday(the 12th)!

If it is not, then you can like….gnaw on me or something vicious.


End file.
